TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A few of the finest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely out of spot. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten years for potable drinking water. But yes, sure, let us have A further area in which American men can don robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is less complicated: give Everybody a set on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is tender electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats and more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a very war zone. It's that he must end employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked regarding the challenge, replied, "You realize, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good folks. Terrific tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "long run evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally Trump Tower Damascus referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from space, a attribute being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits following discovering the building's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "If You Bomb It, They may Occur"


The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is by now attracting interest from international traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll purchase a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will even include:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel the place my PTSD might have turn-down provider."


Another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It necessary a waterslide formed much like the Constitution. I gave everything 3. You happen to be welcome."

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